Woo boy, I have been putting off making progress reports. Mostly because I have no progress to report. I’m losing no weight, haven’t lost since February despite counting calories and carbs, hitting my macros and upping my physical activity (significantly). I’m waiting out allergy season, on the off-chance ongoing histamine reactions cause me to carry additional water weight (apparently the nasal steroid I take could up my blood sugar, although I have a hard time believing that would have a significant effect) .  It seems kind of dumb, but I’m hoping once the tree pollen settles in the next couple weeks, I’ll magically experience a huge woosh of weight loss. In the meantime, weight loss is a bust. I’m trying to re-arrange my focus: if weight loss isn’t happening, what should my focus be? Is low-carb a healthy long-term strategy? I believe it may be, but the episode with scurvy has been frightening to me. Are there nutrients I’m just not getting? I’m taking a multi-vitamin now, but a by-it’s-nature deficient diet doesn’t sit well with me. If I’m not losing weight eating 30 g net carb a day, is it healthier for me to go back to losing no weight on my vegan + fish diet where I ate 100 g net carb a day (almost entirely from beans/lentils and fresh fruit)? Do I feel any better on that diet? These are questions with no easy answers for me, and it’s been disheartening to completely stall out on weight loss despite all my best efforts. But then, I’ve been spending time reading up about nutrition and health and specious claims about the damage obesity actually does and I’m starting to wonder whether I’ve spent my entire life hating myself for being fat and thinking my death was imminent when I should have been focusing on how to eat smart and how to keep my body moving in fun ways. I start to feel like this blog is just kind of worthless: I don’t have any advice and I have had limited success on this diet, hell, on every diet that didn’t amount to starving myself on 800 – 1000 calories a day. My original goal was to prove keto could be healthy and full of variety and vegetables but then I got scurvy.

When I was a strict vegan, I remember a furor in the community because people would quit eating entirely vegan for their health and then pretend they were still eating vegan. One blogger talked about it and  it pissed everyone off. But I get it, I mean, I get the pressure to eat and present yourself eating in this idealized, perfect way: in real life and on the internet. I haven’t found the one true path for weight loss or perfect health or perfect ethics. I am starting to doubt I personally ever will. So, how do you choose a path? How do you determine and prioritize your values, your health, your ethics? Which aspects of your health matter most: is weight loss more important than anything else? I’m torn because I watch people succeed and of course I want to succeed, I want to be thin. But at this point, I have worked for 5 years to find a way to be thin and I’m coming up empty.  I weigh what I’ve weighed for most of my adult life, what I weighed in high school. I have never,  ever in my life been thin. At this point, I have undone all the weight I put on for the two years when I was depressed and bingeing. I’m eating as reasonably and exercising as often as I ever have in my life. When I’m not hating my body for holding on to all this weight so well, I actually feel good. I’m stronger, I have big, bulky muscles, I find myself just doing these physical things without even thinking that would have been so impossible for me in the past. I should be proud of the changes I’ve made and all I feel is torn that I can’t be happy because I’m not losing weight. And this blog starts to feel like an albatross around my neck.